Between the fallout from the snap election, the hung parliament, Brexit and the brewing civil wars in both main parties, Parliament won’t have a lot of time to discuss the fact it needs to relocate in 2022 while repairs are made to the building.
But we are experiencing a brief lull in news at the moment – which is why it is the perfect time to explore some of the best options in London.
1) Frank’s Cafe
The rooftop bar on top of the car park in Peckham is already a brilliant place ruined by the terrible people who enjoy going there, so we might as well take that to its logical conclusion. There’s enough space for both chambers to get a floor each, they then can meet at the top.
Pros: There’s something about David Davis that feels like he really enjoys drinking cocktails with tiny umbrellas in them, and maybe putting him in a place with an endless supply of cocktails with tiny umbrellas in them might distract him enough that he doesn’t fuck up Brexit, by virtue of forgetting it’s happening.
Cons: Really can’t rule out a UK House of Cards “Daddyyy-y-y-y” type scenario if you move Parliament to a rooftop.
2) A selection of boats going up and down the Thames
Some architects argued last year that a Parliament-on-Thames structure could be built next to the real thing – but why not go one step further?
Give a big boat each to the two main parties, some smaller boats for the others, get a big floating Chamber for the members to jump onto during sitting hours, encourage tourists to throw things at them from the shore.
Pros: John Bercow could threaten to throw anyone making never-ending speeches overboard.
Cons: You just know that Nigel Farage and Bob Geldof would turn up again and circle around like dickhead sharks, don’t you. You just know.
3) Northcliffe House
If George Osborne can leave Parliament to go edit a newspaper in Kensington, they might as well all follow and be done with it. Making MPs and Lords share a building with the Mail, Metro, Independent and Evening Standard would absolutely be hilarious and definitely not worrying and bad for democracy.
Pros: No-one in their right mind would ever go to High Street Kensington anyway, so they wouldn’t be disturbing the locals, whoever they are.
Cons: The bleak gossip of parliamentarians and hacks hooking up because there’s nothing else to do in High Street Kensington. God, the bleak gossip.
4) That massive grim Wetherspoons in North London, you know the one
They wanted Brexit Britain, they’ll get Brexit Britain. Watch as Liam Fox has to stand on a chair to explain why the future of trade will be great while the Remainers gloomily dip their breaded brie (Christmas special) in their tiny little pots of cranberry sauce.
Pros: The drinks will be so cheap they won’t even need to get them subsidised.
Cons: The lack of daylight might make some of them somehow look unhealthier, like pasty ghosts in cheap suits. No-one wants that.
5) That weird London Dungeon tourist attraction
The public hates politicians and it’s time for them to start feeling that: stick them in that weird haunted place, leave them to screw up this country even more in a complex network of dark tunnels full of fake spider webs and dodgy fake blood.
Pros: On the Jubilee line, so close to Westminster if they want to get a drink in a familiar place after a day of hard work in the shadows. Also: imagine Amber Rudd, boarding a creepy mini train to give a ministerial statement, and announcing “this government is clear that it is a vitaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaah oh GOD” while the other MPs watch silently as she goes up and down on the creaking rails.
Cons: There are absolutely no cons to this scenario whatsoever.
Marie Le Conte tweets as @youngvulgarian.
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