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Represented by three Liberal Democrats, obviously. Nonsuch’s name is a bit like when people these days ask, “Isn’t there a third party? There’s the Tories and Labour, but I vaguely remember another one?”, to which you reply: “There is nonsuch.” This is the the ward that treats ‘em mean and keeps ‘em (North) Cheam.
2) Darwin, Bromley
Back in 2011, it was the safest ward in Greater London, which is probably mostly because there’s nothing there.
Its biggest settlement is probably the collection of houses outside Biggin Hill for the RAF lot to sleep in at night, and its largest roads are called Main Road and Leaves Green. Which says a lot. It’s so devoid of stuff that they had to name the thing after Downe House, where Charles Darwin lived from 1842 until his death in 1882. That’s great, and that’s lovely for the residents of this pointlessly rural part of London, but your honour she’s reaching.
3) Chelsfield and Pratts Bottom, Bromley
Pratts Bottom. I mean, come on. We all enjoy laughing at silly place names with the word ‘bottom’ in them, but you can’t name local government administrative divisions after them. Stop it.
4) Copers Cope, Bromley
Sometimes even the most coping of copers need to have a breakdown, OK? Stop being so prescriptive.
5) Squirrel’s Heath, Havering
Three Tory councillors, no heath, and no singularly exceptional squirrel population. Cute name, though. (Editor’s note: I grew up in this one. I also attended Squirrel’s Heath Infants School. I’ll be having words about this.)
6) Seven Kings, Redbridge
In theory, logical, as there could have been seven kings in the place. Maybe the heptarchy had a team away-day here?
In practice, not so much. In the Oxford Dictionary of London Place Names (now there’s a book to put on your Christmas wish list), we find that the earliest record of the name is as ‘Sevekyngges’ or ‘Sevekyngg’, from 1285, which means ‘settlement of the family or followers of a man called Seofoca’. Stop singing ‘We Seven Kings of Orient are,’ back there.
7) Lansbury, Tower Hamlets
I mean, I love Angela as much as the next guy, but naming a council ward after her in East London? Bit much.
8) Forest, Waltham Forest
There’s a green patch of Epping Forest in one corner, sure, and a nice-looking pond, granted, but the vast bulk of this ward is taken up by terraced streets and Whipps Cross University Hospital. But hey, advertise yourself optimistically.
9) Hoe Street, Waltham Forest
*Sniggers*. What with this and Queens Road in the award, I’m surprised this hasn’t already become the next venue for the time-honoured process of gentrify-gay-tion.
10) Chaucer, Southwark
A plaque was put up in 2003 at Talbot Yard, SE1 – right by the King’s College London Guy’s Campus – to commemorate Geoffrey Chaucer, the English poet extraordinaire of the Middle Ages. Allegedly it sits on the site of The Tabard Inn, which was the starting point of his pilgrims’ journey to Canterbury in his best-loved (or most obsessively studied) work, The Canterbury Tales. All very well, but, you know – Chaucer? Really?
11) Vassal, Lambeth
Named after one of the most ridiculously named aristocrats and property developers of the early nineteenth centuries. Henry Richard Vassall-Fox, 3rd Baron Holland, was a Whig politician in the House of Lords (a rare breed at that point), and served in the cabinets of Lord Grey and Lord Melbourne. Local roads like Holland Grove, Foxley Square, Vassall Road and Lord Holland Lane are all named after him. Silly name, though, right?
12) Tudor, Kingston-upon-Thames
There was some Tudor stuff nearby so they named a road Tudor Drive and named the ward Tudor. The imaginative power kills me.
13) Askew, Hammersmith & Fulham
There was a family called Askew who owned lots of land and so they named a road after them. Personally I prefer to imagine that the whole thing is slightly wonky.
14) Bread Street, City of London
Now we get into the fertile ground of the City of London’s ward names. This was the site of the bread market, back in the day, and the bakers of London were once ordered to “sell no bread at their houses but in the open market at Bread Street”. Enjoyably, both John Donne and John Milton were born here.Told you it was fertile ground. (Further editor’s note: CityMetric Towers is just next door in Farringdon Within. Wave!)
15) Cheap, City of London
Nothing in the City of London is cheap. This is a vile, vicious, and slanderously misleading lie.
16) Cordwainer, City of London
Sounds like a playground insult used by children in the early stages of secondary school.
17) Townfield, Hillingdon
Take your pick – either it’s a town, or it’s a field. You can’t have it all.
18) North End, Bexley
Possibly the most illogical name going. It’s on the south side of the river, at the eastern end of London. Nothing about it is a north end at all.
19) Town, Enfield
And now we enter the legion of unimaginative ward names of London. Town, unsurprisingly, contains Enfield Town.
20) Chase, Enfield
The same, but Enfield Chase. They’re not even trying.
21) College, Southwark
Containing Dulwich College, because naming things after Nigel Farage’s alma mater is definitely how life should be lived.
22) River, Barking and Dagenham,
Other people have the river too, Barking and Dagenham.
23) Thames, Barking and Dagenham
See above. Also, surely the Thames is the River? What?
24) Village, Southwark
Here, down at the very end of this nonsense, is a collection of three villages, none of which are villages, and all of which could have had more exciting names. This one covers Dulwich Village. Maybe they could have called it, I don’t know, Dulwich?
25) Village, Merton
This one covers Wimbledon Common. Maybe they could have called it Wimbledon Common. Or, to keep it funky, Crooked Billet.
26) Village, Barking and Dagenham
Not a village. Degenham is not a village. It’s just not.
Jack May is a regular contributor to CityMetric and tweets as @JackO_May.
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